Not-a-serious guide
Trekking Middle-earth
The Shire, Rivendell, Moria, Lothlórien, Rohan, Gondor, and Mordor — end to end across a map that doesn't exist, with a ring you should definitely not keep.
Every claim sourced to the Red Book of Westmarch. No orcs earn commission.
The actual map
Fantasy map
The Shire, Mordor, Rivendell, Moria, Isengard, Rohan, and more — an original illustrated map, not traced from anywhere.
Real-world bonus
Filming locations
The REAL places in New Zealand used to film all of this, with real GPS.
Waypoints
The Shire
Gentle rolling hills, round green doors, and a worrying amount of second breakfast.
Difficulty: Trivial — until someone invites a wizard to a birthday party
Hazards: Nosy relatives, second breakfast withdrawal, one (1) cursed ring in a farmhouse
Lodging: Bag End — round door, no stairs, unreasonably good pantry
Rivendell
A hidden elven valley that somehow has better waterfalls than anywhere else on the trip.
Difficulty: Easy — Elrond does the trail planning for you (unsolicited)
Hazards: Nine-person committee meetings, unsolicited prophecy
Lodging: The Last Homely House — free stay, mandatory council attendance
Moria
An underground mega-city, mostly abandoned, mostly for a reason.
Difficulty: Do not go south
Hazards: One (1) Balrog, cave troll, an unreasonable number of goblins, echoing drums
Lodging: No refugio available. Bring your own light source. Bring several.
Lothlórien
Golden-leafed forest, mallorn trees, and a Lady who already knows why you're here.
Difficulty: Easy — mostly a very tasteful group therapy session
Hazards: Intense eye contact with a mirror, existential clarity
Lodging: Caras Galadhon — treehouse platforms, elven cloaks provided
Rohan
Open grassland, horse culture, and a king who needed a good talking-to.
Difficulty: Moderate — mostly cavalry-based
Hazards: Wargs, Uruk-hai raiding parties, a suspiciously persuasive advisor
Lodging: Meduseld (Edoras) — golden hall, great mead, ask about the throne room acoustics
Gondor
Seven-tiered white city, a very tall watchtower vibe, and a steward who's had a rough millennium.
Difficulty: Moderate to hard — depends entirely on siege status on arrival
Hazards: Siege towers, oliphaunts, one dramatic beacon-lighting montage
Lodging: Minas Tirith — great views, terrible time to visit during a siege
Mordor
One does not simply walk into Mordor — but if you insist, bring water.
Difficulty: Extreme — active volcano, zero refugios, constant surveillance
Hazards: The Eye that sees all, orc patrols, giant spider (see: Cirith Ungol), lava
Lodging: No refugio. No FAM membership discount applies here. Bring your own Sam.
The Ring Route (Bag End → Mount Doom)
1 ring · 1 fellowship (disbands halfway) · duration: until the volcano cooperates
- 1.Bag End → Bree (3 days, one very persistent Black Rider)
- 2.Bree → Rivendell (2 weeks, one stab wound, one Athelas poultice)
- 3.Rivendell → Moria (via Caradhras — turned back, weather non-negotiable)
- 4.Moria → Lothlórien (down one Gandalf, up one existential crisis)
- 5.Lothlórien → Amon Hen (fellowship breaks up here — see: group dynamics)
- 6.Emyn Muil → Mordor (via Cirith Ungol, unreliable local guide named Sméagol)
- 7.Mount Doom summit push (one ring, one finger, one large eagle rescue)
"One Ring to rule them all" — the Ring-verse, J.R.R. Tolkien. Do not attempt at home.
Budget calculator (in gold pieces, obviously)
| Pony rental, Bree | 12 silver pieces |
| Elven cloak (Lothlórien-issued) | Priceless — gift only |
| Lembas bread, per wafer | 1 wafer = 1 day's march, non-negotiable |
| Miruvor flask | Reserved for emergencies (there will be emergencies) |
| Rope from Lothlórien | Free, and yes it unties itself when you need it to |
| Sting (one lightly-used elven blade) | Glows blue near orcs — priceless early-warning system |
Methodology: none. This is a parody. No real refugios, no real coordinates, no real orcs earning commission. For actual trekking, check any other region on this site — those have real GPS and real sources.