Guida per niente seria
Trekking nella Terra di Mezzo
La Contea, Gran Burrone, Moria, Lothlórien, Rohan, Gondor e Mordor — da un capo all'altro di una mappa che non esiste, con un anello che decisamente non dovrebbe tenersi.
Ogni affermazione ha la sua fonte nel Libro Rosso dei Confini Occidentali. Nessun orco prende provvigioni.
La mappa vera
Mappa fantasy
La Contea, Mordor, Gran Burrone, Moria, Isengard, Rohan e altro ancora — una mappa illustrata originale, non ricalcata da nessuna parte.
Bonus dal mondo reale
Location delle riprese
I luoghi VERI in Nuova Zelanda in cui hanno girato tutto questo, con GPS vero.
Waypoint
The Shire
Gentle rolling hills, round green doors, and a worrying amount of second breakfast.
Difficoltà: Trivial — until someone invites a wizard to a birthday party
Pericoli: Nosy relatives, second breakfast withdrawal, one (1) cursed ring in a farmhouse
Alloggio: Bag End — round door, no stairs, unreasonably good pantry
Rivendell
A hidden elven valley that somehow has better waterfalls than anywhere else on the trip.
Difficoltà: Easy — Elrond does the trail planning for you (unsolicited)
Pericoli: Nine-person committee meetings, unsolicited prophecy
Alloggio: The Last Homely House — free stay, mandatory council attendance
Moria
An underground mega-city, mostly abandoned, mostly for a reason.
Difficoltà: Do not go south
Pericoli: One (1) Balrog, cave troll, an unreasonable number of goblins, echoing drums
Alloggio: No refugio available. Bring your own light source. Bring several.
Lothlórien
Golden-leafed forest, mallorn trees, and a Lady who already knows why you're here.
Difficoltà: Easy — mostly a very tasteful group therapy session
Pericoli: Intense eye contact with a mirror, existential clarity
Alloggio: Caras Galadhon — treehouse platforms, elven cloaks provided
Rohan
Open grassland, horse culture, and a king who needed a good talking-to.
Difficoltà: Moderate — mostly cavalry-based
Pericoli: Wargs, Uruk-hai raiding parties, a suspiciously persuasive advisor
Alloggio: Meduseld (Edoras) — golden hall, great mead, ask about the throne room acoustics
Gondor
Seven-tiered white city, a very tall watchtower vibe, and a steward who's had a rough millennium.
Difficoltà: Moderate to hard — depends entirely on siege status on arrival
Pericoli: Siege towers, oliphaunts, one dramatic beacon-lighting montage
Alloggio: Minas Tirith — great views, terrible time to visit during a siege
Mordor
One does not simply walk into Mordor — but if you insist, bring water.
Difficoltà: Extreme — active volcano, zero refugios, constant surveillance
Pericoli: The Eye that sees all, orc patrols, giant spider (see: Cirith Ungol), lava
Alloggio: No refugio. No FAM membership discount applies here. Bring your own Sam.
The Ring Route (Bag End → Mount Doom)
1 anello · 1 Compagnia (si scioglie a metà strada) · durata: finché il vulcano non collabora
- 1.Bag End → Bree (3 days, one very persistent Black Rider)
- 2.Bree → Rivendell (2 weeks, one stab wound, one Athelas poultice)
- 3.Rivendell → Moria (via Caradhras — turned back, weather non-negotiable)
- 4.Moria → Lothlórien (down one Gandalf, up one existential crisis)
- 5.Lothlórien → Amon Hen (fellowship breaks up here — see: group dynamics)
- 6.Emyn Muil → Mordor (via Cirith Ungol, unreliable local guide named Sméagol)
- 7.Mount Doom summit push (one ring, one finger, one large eagle rescue)
«Un Anello per domarli tutti» — il verso dell'Anello, J.R.R. Tolkien. Non ci provi a casa.
Calcolatore di budget (in monete d'oro, ovviamente)
| Pony rental, Bree | 12 silver pieces |
| Elven cloak (Lothlórien-issued) | Priceless — gift only |
| Lembas bread, per wafer | 1 wafer = 1 day's march, non-negotiable |
| Miruvor flask | Reserved for emergencies (there will be emergencies) |
| Rope from Lothlórien | Free, and yes it unties itself when you need it to |
| Sting (one lightly-used elven blade) | Glows blue near orcs — priceless early-warning system |
Metodologia: nessuna. Questa è una parodia. Niente rifugi veri, niente coordinate vere, niente orchi veri che prendono provvigioni. Per il trekking vero, guardi qualsiasi altra regione di questo sito — quelle hanno GPS veri e fonti vere.